Balsamic Sweet Potato Toast with Avocado and Chicken

Oprah says it, Maya Rudolph portrays it, I. LOVE. BREAD.  There, I said it.  There is nothing better to me than a phallic loaf of fresh baked french bread.  Oh man what I would give for a baguette, some brioche or a fucking piece of challah.  But alas, here I am bread free and still standing.  I'm not going to sit here and tell you that the following recipe is an exact replacement for bread, because it's not.  But when you combine the taste of sweet potato, with a crunchy exterior similar to that of crispy, crumbly toast, it'll get you through the day, and on a tasty note to boot.  I give you...

Balsamic Sweet Potato Toast with Avocado and Chicken

PREP TIME: 5 Minutes | COOK TIME: 10 Minutes | Serves: 2 Human Individuals

What Have We Got Here?

1 sweet potato

1 ripe avocado

shredded chicken

4 tbsp. balsamic vinegar

It Doesn't Get Much Easier Than This 

I'm going to make this one really simple for you guys, this can be done in three simple steps.

1. Cut sweet potato into 4, 1/2 inch thick slices.  Toss the slices into the toaster and run that ish through at least three times.  You want to toast as many times as it takes for the spud to begin to brown on the outside to look like, well, toast. 

2. While the spuds are toasting, assemble your shredded chicken, smash some avo in a bowl, and portion out (if you want to) your balsamic vinegar.

3. When the toast is toasty, spread some avo on the sweets to cover, glob on some chicken and drizzle that mofo with balsamic.

There you have it fellas and not fellas!  I love making different variations of this meal.  It's extremely versatile making it perfect for any time of the day.  Try it with an egg!  Glob on some almond butter and berries!  The possibilities are endless, let your mind wander.  

 

Thai Coconut Trash Soup

Every once in a blue corn moon I get home from work with no dinner plan in mind.  It's baffling to think that after working all day, getting my ass kicked in the gym, and returning home after being gone for 12 hours that I wouldn't quite feel up to cooking a 2 hour meal.  Shocking, I know.  These moments are when magic happens.  When you think you're just going to saute some fresh veggies, throw them in a bowl and call it a night.  Then the brain piece starts turning and before you know it, you've got a fully functioning soup staring you in the mouth.  This is not one of those recipes that's going to preach to you about making your own bone broth.  This is trash soup, let's do this quick and dirty.  Shall we? 

Thai Coconut Trash Soup

PREP TIME: 20 Minutes | COOK TIME: 30 Minutes | Serves: 4 Human Individuals

'Gredients

1 tbsp. coconut oil

4 cups chicky broth

1/2 13.5 oz. can milk of the coconut

3 chicken boobs, thinly sliced on an angle

1 organic zucchini, sliced into quarter pieces

1 sweet potato, cubed

2 cloves vampire repellant, minced

1/2 yellow onion, chopped

1 1/2 tbsp. fish sauce

1 tbsp. fresh lime juice

2 tbsp. srirachacha

salt to tickle them budz

pepper to taste, not enough to make you sneeze

Admission of omission: 

The pictured recipe features brussel sprouts.  I cannot believe I am saying this, but the soup (to me) tastes better without the delicious mini cabbage mofos.  So, by all means add them if you'd like, I prefer without. 

No Soup For You

1. Heat the oil in a large pot over medium heat.  Cook and stir the garlic&onion until fragrant, about 2 minutes.  

2. Pour the chicken juice into the pot and dunk those sweet spuds and zucchini right in.  Bring to a boil until spuds are tender, about 15 minutes.  

3. Drop the chicken boobs directly into the pot.  By cooking them this way, they absorb the broth and are more tender&juicy than your brain space can imagine.

4. Add coconut milk slowly to the broth, stirring to integrate smoothly.  Truly use your own discretion with how creamy you want this pot of heaven to be.  

5. Drop the remaining ingredients into the pot and stir.  Lower heat to a simmer and let sit for 10 minutes.  

6. Season with salt and pepper to your taste buds delight, scoop a heaping helping into your bowl and try to finish before you head back for seconds.  

Note from me: Every time I make this soup it is slightly different.  I may add a different ingredient, or omit another.  Follow your palate people, there's a chef deep down just waiting to bust out.  

What the Phock!

For those of you who live under a damn rock, Pho has become seriously popular around the country as of recent.  All I can speak to personally is Denver, and I can't drive more than 5 miles without hitting another delicious palace of this heavenly soup.  So I found myself in one hell of a pickle when I realized my beloved soup was not Paleo friendly.  I could easily omit the noodles, but they're a key component of the dish.  I could replace the noodles with zoodles, but as much as I love those grassy, green faux pasta, zoodles just didn't settle well in my brain space.  Then I had a stroke of genius.  Let me show you...

 What the Phock!

PREP TIME: 20 Minutes | COOK TIME: 35 Minutes | SERVES: 4 Human Individuals

Ingredients, assemble!

• 1 tbsp. coconut oil
• 4 cloves vampire repellant, smash that ish
• 1 inch chunk ginger root, slice lengthwise
• 1 yellow onion, split in half and divided 
• 3 whole star anise
• 1 cinnamon stick 
• 48 oz. beef broth
• 1-2 packages shirataki noodles
• 1 lb. round steak, sliced paper thin
• 1 sassy jalapeno, thinly sliced
• 1 bunch green onions/scallions
• 4 oz. white mushrooms
• 1 lime, cut into quarters
• 1 1/2 tbsp. fishy sauce
• 1 tsp. coconut palm sugar
• salt just to tickle your taste buds
• Sriracha for serving 

Before We Begin:

I feel it would behoove you if I disclosed a few things before we begin.  I know some of you are sitting there saying to yourselves, "WTF is this chick talking about, she's missing several traditional Pho ingredients!"  Well phockers, this is MY Pho recipe.  I can't eat sprouts because they aren't always Paleo, and I hate the mixture of fresh basil, mint, and cilantro.  So if you're looking for traditional Pho, this ain't the place.  However, I also believe in creative freedom so please feel free to alter any of my recipes.  I'm just glad you're taking this intimate, personal time with me now.  Lastly, it's important I take a hot minute to talk about shirataki noodles.  These slippery suckers are the food God's answer to my personal prayers.  Shirataki noodles are made from the root of the konjac plant, composed of soluble fiber which provides a slightly more firm texture than wheat noodles.  But this is the real miracle to these heavenly bad boys.  Are you ready?  Low-calorie, low-carb, fortified with iron, ZERO fat, ZERO egg, ZERO dairy, 15 calories, 4 grams carbs per serving, vegan, and for my heeby brothers and sisters these beauts are also kosher.

  

Time to Prep

1. Peel and smash that sticky icky garlic.  Peel the ginger root and slice that ish in half lengthwise.

2. Leaving the skin on, halve the onion.  Add the skin intact half to the pile of ginger and garlic to enhance your tears.  Peel the remaining half of the onion and thinly slice, then set aside.  

3. Slice the mushies and scallions thinly, set them aside with sliced onion.

4. Slice that beef paper thin.  Cover the cow and refrigerate until ready to eat. 

5. Heat a large soup pot over medium high heat.  Once hot, add coconut oil and then crushed garlic, peeled ginger and half of onion with skin intact cut side down.

6. Cook the giant bundle of tears 2 to 3 minutes and basket toss in star anise and cinnamon stick.  Continue cooking, stirring occasionally for another 2 to 3 minutes.

7. Let ingredients hot tub in beef broth and bring to a boil.  Once boiling, cover and reduce to a simmer.  Let it bathe 25 to 30 minutes.  

8. While the broth is bubbling, remove your noodles from its package and rinse thoroughly under cold water.  This will break up the gumminess of the sticky suckers and wash away it's earthy smell.  

9. Right before serving, use a slotted spoon to remove onion, garlic, ginger and whole spices from the broth. (discard)

10. Add fish sauce and coconut palm sugar to the broth.  Taste and fairy dust the broth with salt if needed.  Raise the heat and bring the broth back to a hot tub boil.  

Sidenote: I prefer to add Sriracha straight into the broth but if you're a weakling with the spices, you may want to hold off and let everyone add their own amount of rachacha to their bowls.  

11. Using tongs, grab a heap of noodles and plop them in your bowl followed by a healthy portion of piping hot broth.

12. Assemble Pho bowls to your liking, watch that beef cook right in front of your eyes and guys, thoroughly enjoy this one. 

Crispy Eggplant Bites with Sweet&Spicy Awesomesauce

I thought today was Wednesday, you can assume my mood.  Setting aside that it isn't even mid-week yet, let me expand your mind while we learn about the wonderful world of eggplant.  Everyone has heard of eggplant parmesan.  And as delicious as eggplant parm may be, cheese is a big no, no on Paleo.  So here you are, with everyone's favorite emoji thinking, what the hell do I do now?  Well kids, I've got just the recipe for you.  Perfect for an appetizer, or when you're a snackish fiend like myself, I bring you... 

Crispy Eggplant Bites with Sweet&Spicy Awesomesauce

PREP TIME: 15 Minutes | COOK TIME: 30 Minutes | SERVES: 4 Human Individuals

Crispy Eggplant Bites

• 1 naughty emoji (eggplant)
• 1 1/2 cups almond flour
• 3/4 tsp. gahlic powdah
• 1/4 tsp. paprika
• 3/4 tsp. salt of the sea
• 3/4 tsp. onion powder
• pepper to your tastebuds liking
• 2 pre-birds (eggs)

Awesomesauce

• 1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
• 1/4 raw bee friendly honey
• 3/4 tsp. gahlic powdah
• salt to your tastebuds delight
• 3/4 tsp. sirachacha
• 2 tsp. mater paste

Slap on Your Fanciest Apron, It's Time to Cook

1. Preheat your hot box to 350 degrees F.  Cover a baking sheet in shiny AF aluminum foil and slather that mother with a dash of olive oil.

2. Mix together almond flour, garlic pow pow, paprika, salt, onion powder, and pepper in a medium bowl.

3. Cut eggplant into slices and quarter 'em up.  

4. Dip those suckers into whisked eggs and dunk them right into the flour mixture.

5. Place the eggplant pieces onto the baking sheet and place them in the hot box for 30 minutes.

6. Set the oven to Broil and crisp those bites for 2 minutes. (watch them closely, you don't want them to burn.  What a waste of your time, right?)

While Those Suckers Sizzle Up...

1. Mix all ingredients in a small saucy, saucy pan. 

2. Place mixture over medium high heat until it beings to bubble and boil.

3. Lower the heat and let simmer for 5 minutes while mixing that beautiful mess with a rubber spatula.

5. Pour that goop into a bowl and let cool while your eggplant finishes crisping.

6. Enjoy that ish, it's gonna be good.