We're All Human. Some Questionable...But All Human.

This, everybody, is how fast food is done.  Not all of us are graced with the glory that is Chick-fil-A and if that means this post does not apply to you then I apologize.  I am genuinely sorry...that you don't have the option of partaking in the wonderment that is Chick-fil-A.  Look guys, we're all human and this mean that sometimes we forget to prep our meals in advance.  I am fortunate to work close to a Walmart but again, not all of you are as blessed as I.  So when we forget our lunches like boneheads what are our options?  Well, let me enlighten you sweet, sweet internet people. 

Chick-fil-A 8 Count Grilled Chicken Nuggets&Small Superfood Salad are BOMB

These beautifully tender and juicy morsels of chicken weigh in at a whopping 140 calories per 8 count serving. Shall we compare thee to a summers day, McDonald's heavy weights?

This is what I used to eat you guys!  Like, a lot.  I'm not going to pretend that I don't love those crispy, crunchy juicy bites of according to McDonald's now all white meat.  But facts are facts and a 10 piece box of golden arches nuggets alone are 440 calories.  That's just the nuggets!  And don't try to tell me you aren't going to get the meal because then you're just lying to me and more importantly to yourselves.  

Onto that beautiful powerhouse of a salad...

Do my eyes deceive me?  Am I hallucinating?  This beautiful side salad chock full of broccolini and kale, topped with nuts and dried cherries, weighs in at an extreme 140 calories.  That includes the light maple vinaigrette!  Let's do some math everyone.  140 + 140 = ? Can a fast food meal truly only amount to 280 calories?  Yes my friends, it most certainly can. Now, McDonald's has salads too.  Shall we take a look?

210 Calories for a fucking side salad.  This has to be a joke.  There is no protein in this salad.  If there were, maybe this would make one ounce of sense.  Do you know what's in this salad?  Lettuce blend and grape tomatoes.  That's it guys.  I'm going to be real with you for a second, this nutrition information does include dressing.  Without, the salad is only 15 calories.  But who the hell wants to eat dry lettuce and tomatoes besides a rabbit?  I sure as hell don't.  

Chick-fil-A vs. McDonald's

What have we learned today children?  To put it plainly, Chick-fil-A: GOOD, McDonald's: BAD.  But beyond that, there are healthy options out there when you're on the fly other than spending your lunch break walking the isles of the grocery store.  And for all you suckers that don't have Chick-fil-A as an option, although I am not personally a fan of Chipotle, there sure as shit is one on every corner in this country.  Last knowledge drop for you, snag yourself a burrito bowl with no rice, extra meat, fajita veggies, and a good ol' glob of gauc.  TADA! There you have it all, just because you eat Paleo, doesn't necessarily mean you have to give up all fast food.  

Disclaimer: Do try to prep your meals, this post is to guide you in case you fuck up, not to give you an excuse to chow on fast food. 

Nutrition sources:

Chick-fil-A Grilled Nuggets

Chick-fil-A Superfood Side Salad

McDonald's Chicken Nuggets

McDonald's Side Salad

Spaghetti Squash&Spicy Meat-a-Ballz

Comfort food.  Who the hell doesn't crave some down home love on a plate.  Not to stereotype, but food that one may find comforting doesn't typically coincide with food we also find healthy.  The solution?  Me.  It's me you guys.  Me...and this bomb AF recipe for Paleo spaghetti&meatballs. This recipe had more components than most so it's your lucky day visually imaginatively impaired.  Come follow me on a guided visual journey to comfort food flavor town. 

Spaghetti Squash&Spicy Meat-a-Ballz

PREP TIME: 25 Minutes | COOK TIME: 1 Hour 15 Minutes | SERVES: 6 Human Individuals

Squash&Sauce

• 2 tbsp. olive oil
• 1 3 lb. spaghetti squash, halved lengthwise&seeded (give it your all, these suckers are hard to crack)
• salt and crushed black pepper to please your taste buds
• 3/4 cup minced yellow onion
• 4 cloves garlic, finely minced
• 1 sm. carrot, chopped into rabbit food
• 1 stalk celery, chop, chop, chop
• 1 14.5 oz. can diced tomatoes
• 1 tbsp. tomato paste
• 1 8 oz. can tomato sauce
• 1/2 tsp. oregano kush

Ballz

• 1 lb. grass-fed, organic, sunbathed, pet 3 times per day beef 
• 1/2 cup almond flour
• 1 tbsp. wor-worcesh-worcestershire sauce
• 1 tsp. tomato paste
• 1/2 tsp. salt 
• pinch ground black pepper 
• pinch cayenne pepper, caliente! 
• 5 cloves garlic, mince that shit
• 1 large pre-bird, a.k.a egg 

Shall We Begin?

1. Place oven rack in the middle of that hot box and set your oven to 400 degrees F.

2. Massage 1/2 tbsp. olive oil gently, tenderly, onto each cut-side of the squash and shower those suckers with salt and pepper.  Place squash cut side up on a baking sheet and roast until fork tender, 45 minutes to 1 hour.  

3. Cool squash for at least 10 minutes so you don't burn your fingerprints off like an idiot.  Scrape lengthwise along the flesh with a small fork, pulling long strands like Ariel stroking her Crayola red mermaid hair.  

4. While the squash cooks in the hot box, make that zesty sauce.  Heat the remaining tbsp. of oil in a large non-stick sauce pan set over medium heat.  Add the ingredients that make you cry, (onions&garlic) and sauté until those tear jerkers are translucent, 3 to 4 minutes.  Add the carrots and celery and sauté another 5 minutes.   

5. Stir in all tomato products and oregano.  Add a dash of salt and a sprinkle of pepper. Cover the pot, reduce heat to medium-low and simmer for a whopping 25 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Ready to Multitask?

6. It's meatball time, finally!  Combine beef, flour, worcestershire, and all the other ball ingredients in a large bowl.  Put those digits to work and mix that shit until blended.  

7. Form that hunk of beef into balls the size of walnuts.  Place the meatballs in the sauce, return heat to medium, and let those balls bathe in sauce until firm to the touch and cooked through, about 15 minutes.  

8. Place all ingredients together and try to make it as beautiful as mine, go ahead, I dare you. 

Date&Bacon Crusted Salmon over Turnt Up Turnip Purée

It's Wednesday night and you get home and say to yourself, "Shit bro, I have no idea what to make for dinner."  Yes, I call myself bro, get over it.  Then you remember you have this beautiful salmon filet just begging to be served up hot and tasty.   So throw on your favorite beats, and try not to disturb the neighbors when you inevitably get turnt making this craveable salmon masterpiece.  

Date&Bacon Crusted Salmon over Turnt Up Turnip Purée

Slammin' Salmon First up to the Plate...

PREP TIME: 10 minutes | COOK TIME: 12 minutes | SERVES: 2 human individuals

• 2 4-oz salmon filets (do you say filet in your head like Gordon Ramsey too?)
• 4 Medjool Dates, make sure those suckers are pitted
• 3 slices beautifully uncured bacon
• 1 tbsp. vampire repellant, a.k.a garlic
• 1 tbsp. lemon juice 

Let Me Teach You Something:

1. Prep your oven to a scalding 400 degrees F.  Lay out a baking sheet with some shiny aluminum foil and spray that shit lightly with olive oil.  

2. Cook up some crispy pig, reserve the delicious pig juice, mince those suckers and set aside.

3. While cooking the pork, place the dates in a small bowl and cover with H2O.  Pop it in the microwave for 1 solid minute, then drain those juices.  

4. Mash the dates into a paste.  Stir in the bacon, reserved greasy juices, and garlic to create the salmon blanket.  

5. Pat the salmon dry, now bath that beauty in lemon juice.  Spread the date mixture onto each salmon filet covering as much salmon as possible.  

6. Bake for 12 minutes until the salmon flakes as easily as your friend Linda who always responds she's coming to the party, but never actually shows up.  Serve that beautifully crusted salmon over a bed of smooth AF turnip purée.

Onto the Turnt Ups: 

PREP TIME: 10 minutes | COOK TIME: 30 minutes | SERVES: 2 human individuals

• 2 cloves vampire repellant, a.k.a garlic, finely minced
• 3 tbsp. olive oil
• 5 turnips (personal preference for tokyo turnips)
• 1 tsp. arrowroot powder
• salt and crushed black pepper to fit what your buds are feelin' 

Teachable Moments: 

1. Quarter up those turnips and toss them into a pot and cover with H2O.  Cover the pot and bring those suckers to a roaring boil until fork tender, about 25 minutes.  

2. Remove turnips from the pot and transfer to food processor/blender. Add garlic, and blend until silky smooth.  While the mash is smoothifying, slowly pour in olive oil and Emeril Lagasse that mixture with salt and pepper, BAM! 

3. Serve purée hot and tasty. 

YOU ARE WELCOME HERE

EAT LESS CRAP:

C- Carbonated AF Drinks
R- Refined Cavity Craving Sugar
A- Artificial Sweeteners&Fuckin' Red #40
P- Processed Foods (What's even in a hot dog?)

EAT MORE FOOD:

F- Froots&Veggies

O- Organic Lean Mean Proteins

O- Omega 3 Fatty Assids

D- Drink Hella H2O

You've heard this story before.  Former athlete trades the bases for brews, pitches for pizza, i'm pretty sure you know the rest.  Fast forward six years and more weight than i'd prefer to admit and here we are.  Now that you're all caught up, let's move on to the present.  Today is September 29, 2016 and I am pleased to say that after years of struggling to find, "my thing" in the health and fitness world, I'm pretty damn sure I've nailed it.  If you had told me 6 months ago, nay, 6 weeks ago that I would be eating a strictly Paleo diet and taking classes three times per week at a Krav Maga gym, I would tell you you're crazier than Gary Busey riding a giant ferret, fighting Godzilla.

You're welcome...

But alas, here I find myself eating healthy meals, keeping up with a stellar fitness regimen, getting some mad decent sleep, and by golly, jee wiz, i'm 23 pounds down.  Now let's focus on the meals.  The meals man that's what we're here to talk about.  I love to make food.  I make above average food.  And that is what I would like to share with you.  The number one complaint I hear about the Paleo diet, (besides how much we love to talk about it) is how expensive the upkeep is.  Look, you're not wrong, but I believe I may just have found a way to eat healthy without draining my bank account.  I would like to use this platform to share my recipes with you.  I eat delicious meals and snacks on a daily basis and you should be able to as well.  So, here we are internet people, no more chatter from me.  Are you ready for some recipes?