Balsamic Sweet Potato Toast with Avocado and Chicken

Oprah says it, Maya Rudolph portrays it, I. LOVE. BREAD.  There, I said it.  There is nothing better to me than a phallic loaf of fresh baked french bread.  Oh man what I would give for a baguette, some brioche or a fucking piece of challah.  But alas, here I am bread free and still standing.  I'm not going to sit here and tell you that the following recipe is an exact replacement for bread, because it's not.  But when you combine the taste of sweet potato, with a crunchy exterior similar to that of crispy, crumbly toast, it'll get you through the day, and on a tasty note to boot.  I give you...

Balsamic Sweet Potato Toast with Avocado and Chicken

PREP TIME: 5 Minutes | COOK TIME: 10 Minutes | Serves: 2 Human Individuals

What Have We Got Here?

1 sweet potato

1 ripe avocado

shredded chicken

4 tbsp. balsamic vinegar

It Doesn't Get Much Easier Than This 

I'm going to make this one really simple for you guys, this can be done in three simple steps.

1. Cut sweet potato into 4, 1/2 inch thick slices.  Toss the slices into the toaster and run that ish through at least three times.  You want to toast as many times as it takes for the spud to begin to brown on the outside to look like, well, toast. 

2. While the spuds are toasting, assemble your shredded chicken, smash some avo in a bowl, and portion out (if you want to) your balsamic vinegar.

3. When the toast is toasty, spread some avo on the sweets to cover, glob on some chicken and drizzle that mofo with balsamic.

There you have it fellas and not fellas!  I love making different variations of this meal.  It's extremely versatile making it perfect for any time of the day.  Try it with an egg!  Glob on some almond butter and berries!  The possibilities are endless, let your mind wander.  

 

Thai Coconut Trash Soup

Every once in a blue corn moon I get home from work with no dinner plan in mind.  It's baffling to think that after working all day, getting my ass kicked in the gym, and returning home after being gone for 12 hours that I wouldn't quite feel up to cooking a 2 hour meal.  Shocking, I know.  These moments are when magic happens.  When you think you're just going to saute some fresh veggies, throw them in a bowl and call it a night.  Then the brain piece starts turning and before you know it, you've got a fully functioning soup staring you in the mouth.  This is not one of those recipes that's going to preach to you about making your own bone broth.  This is trash soup, let's do this quick and dirty.  Shall we? 

Thai Coconut Trash Soup

PREP TIME: 20 Minutes | COOK TIME: 30 Minutes | Serves: 4 Human Individuals

'Gredients

1 tbsp. coconut oil

4 cups chicky broth

1/2 13.5 oz. can milk of the coconut

3 chicken boobs, thinly sliced on an angle

1 organic zucchini, sliced into quarter pieces

1 sweet potato, cubed

2 cloves vampire repellant, minced

1/2 yellow onion, chopped

1 1/2 tbsp. fish sauce

1 tbsp. fresh lime juice

2 tbsp. srirachacha

salt to tickle them budz

pepper to taste, not enough to make you sneeze

Admission of omission: 

The pictured recipe features brussel sprouts.  I cannot believe I am saying this, but the soup (to me) tastes better without the delicious mini cabbage mofos.  So, by all means add them if you'd like, I prefer without. 

No Soup For You

1. Heat the oil in a large pot over medium heat.  Cook and stir the garlic&onion until fragrant, about 2 minutes.  

2. Pour the chicken juice into the pot and dunk those sweet spuds and zucchini right in.  Bring to a boil until spuds are tender, about 15 minutes.  

3. Drop the chicken boobs directly into the pot.  By cooking them this way, they absorb the broth and are more tender&juicy than your brain space can imagine.

4. Add coconut milk slowly to the broth, stirring to integrate smoothly.  Truly use your own discretion with how creamy you want this pot of heaven to be.  

5. Drop the remaining ingredients into the pot and stir.  Lower heat to a simmer and let sit for 10 minutes.  

6. Season with salt and pepper to your taste buds delight, scoop a heaping helping into your bowl and try to finish before you head back for seconds.  

Note from me: Every time I make this soup it is slightly different.  I may add a different ingredient, or omit another.  Follow your palate people, there's a chef deep down just waiting to bust out.  

What the Phock!

For those of you who live under a damn rock, Pho has become seriously popular around the country as of recent.  All I can speak to personally is Denver, and I can't drive more than 5 miles without hitting another delicious palace of this heavenly soup.  So I found myself in one hell of a pickle when I realized my beloved soup was not Paleo friendly.  I could easily omit the noodles, but they're a key component of the dish.  I could replace the noodles with zoodles, but as much as I love those grassy, green faux pasta, zoodles just didn't settle well in my brain space.  Then I had a stroke of genius.  Let me show you...

 What the Phock!

PREP TIME: 20 Minutes | COOK TIME: 35 Minutes | SERVES: 4 Human Individuals

Ingredients, assemble!

• 1 tbsp. coconut oil
• 4 cloves vampire repellant, smash that ish
• 1 inch chunk ginger root, slice lengthwise
• 1 yellow onion, split in half and divided 
• 3 whole star anise
• 1 cinnamon stick 
• 48 oz. beef broth
• 1-2 packages shirataki noodles
• 1 lb. round steak, sliced paper thin
• 1 sassy jalapeno, thinly sliced
• 1 bunch green onions/scallions
• 4 oz. white mushrooms
• 1 lime, cut into quarters
• 1 1/2 tbsp. fishy sauce
• 1 tsp. coconut palm sugar
• salt just to tickle your taste buds
• Sriracha for serving 

Before We Begin:

I feel it would behoove you if I disclosed a few things before we begin.  I know some of you are sitting there saying to yourselves, "WTF is this chick talking about, she's missing several traditional Pho ingredients!"  Well phockers, this is MY Pho recipe.  I can't eat sprouts because they aren't always Paleo, and I hate the mixture of fresh basil, mint, and cilantro.  So if you're looking for traditional Pho, this ain't the place.  However, I also believe in creative freedom so please feel free to alter any of my recipes.  I'm just glad you're taking this intimate, personal time with me now.  Lastly, it's important I take a hot minute to talk about shirataki noodles.  These slippery suckers are the food God's answer to my personal prayers.  Shirataki noodles are made from the root of the konjac plant, composed of soluble fiber which provides a slightly more firm texture than wheat noodles.  But this is the real miracle to these heavenly bad boys.  Are you ready?  Low-calorie, low-carb, fortified with iron, ZERO fat, ZERO egg, ZERO dairy, 15 calories, 4 grams carbs per serving, vegan, and for my heeby brothers and sisters these beauts are also kosher.

  

Time to Prep

1. Peel and smash that sticky icky garlic.  Peel the ginger root and slice that ish in half lengthwise.

2. Leaving the skin on, halve the onion.  Add the skin intact half to the pile of ginger and garlic to enhance your tears.  Peel the remaining half of the onion and thinly slice, then set aside.  

3. Slice the mushies and scallions thinly, set them aside with sliced onion.

4. Slice that beef paper thin.  Cover the cow and refrigerate until ready to eat. 

5. Heat a large soup pot over medium high heat.  Once hot, add coconut oil and then crushed garlic, peeled ginger and half of onion with skin intact cut side down.

6. Cook the giant bundle of tears 2 to 3 minutes and basket toss in star anise and cinnamon stick.  Continue cooking, stirring occasionally for another 2 to 3 minutes.

7. Let ingredients hot tub in beef broth and bring to a boil.  Once boiling, cover and reduce to a simmer.  Let it bathe 25 to 30 minutes.  

8. While the broth is bubbling, remove your noodles from its package and rinse thoroughly under cold water.  This will break up the gumminess of the sticky suckers and wash away it's earthy smell.  

9. Right before serving, use a slotted spoon to remove onion, garlic, ginger and whole spices from the broth. (discard)

10. Add fish sauce and coconut palm sugar to the broth.  Taste and fairy dust the broth with salt if needed.  Raise the heat and bring the broth back to a hot tub boil.  

Sidenote: I prefer to add Sriracha straight into the broth but if you're a weakling with the spices, you may want to hold off and let everyone add their own amount of rachacha to their bowls.  

11. Using tongs, grab a heap of noodles and plop them in your bowl followed by a healthy portion of piping hot broth.

12. Assemble Pho bowls to your liking, watch that beef cook right in front of your eyes and guys, thoroughly enjoy this one. 

Crispy Eggplant Bites with Sweet&Spicy Awesomesauce

I thought today was Wednesday, you can assume my mood.  Setting aside that it isn't even mid-week yet, let me expand your mind while we learn about the wonderful world of eggplant.  Everyone has heard of eggplant parmesan.  And as delicious as eggplant parm may be, cheese is a big no, no on Paleo.  So here you are, with everyone's favorite emoji thinking, what the hell do I do now?  Well kids, I've got just the recipe for you.  Perfect for an appetizer, or when you're a snackish fiend like myself, I bring you... 

Crispy Eggplant Bites with Sweet&Spicy Awesomesauce

PREP TIME: 15 Minutes | COOK TIME: 30 Minutes | SERVES: 4 Human Individuals

Crispy Eggplant Bites

• 1 naughty emoji (eggplant)
• 1 1/2 cups almond flour
• 3/4 tsp. gahlic powdah
• 1/4 tsp. paprika
• 3/4 tsp. salt of the sea
• 3/4 tsp. onion powder
• pepper to your tastebuds liking
• 2 pre-birds (eggs)

Awesomesauce

• 1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
• 1/4 raw bee friendly honey
• 3/4 tsp. gahlic powdah
• salt to your tastebuds delight
• 3/4 tsp. sirachacha
• 2 tsp. mater paste

Slap on Your Fanciest Apron, It's Time to Cook

1. Preheat your hot box to 350 degrees F.  Cover a baking sheet in shiny AF aluminum foil and slather that mother with a dash of olive oil.

2. Mix together almond flour, garlic pow pow, paprika, salt, onion powder, and pepper in a medium bowl.

3. Cut eggplant into slices and quarter 'em up.  

4. Dip those suckers into whisked eggs and dunk them right into the flour mixture.

5. Place the eggplant pieces onto the baking sheet and place them in the hot box for 30 minutes.

6. Set the oven to Broil and crisp those bites for 2 minutes. (watch them closely, you don't want them to burn.  What a waste of your time, right?)

While Those Suckers Sizzle Up...

1. Mix all ingredients in a small saucy, saucy pan. 

2. Place mixture over medium high heat until it beings to bubble and boil.

3. Lower the heat and let simmer for 5 minutes while mixing that beautiful mess with a rubber spatula.

5. Pour that goop into a bowl and let cool while your eggplant finishes crisping.

6. Enjoy that ish, it's gonna be good. 

We're All Human. Some Questionable...But All Human.

This, everybody, is how fast food is done.  Not all of us are graced with the glory that is Chick-fil-A and if that means this post does not apply to you then I apologize.  I am genuinely sorry...that you don't have the option of partaking in the wonderment that is Chick-fil-A.  Look guys, we're all human and this mean that sometimes we forget to prep our meals in advance.  I am fortunate to work close to a Walmart but again, not all of you are as blessed as I.  So when we forget our lunches like boneheads what are our options?  Well, let me enlighten you sweet, sweet internet people. 

Chick-fil-A 8 Count Grilled Chicken Nuggets&Small Superfood Salad are BOMB

These beautifully tender and juicy morsels of chicken weigh in at a whopping 140 calories per 8 count serving. Shall we compare thee to a summers day, McDonald's heavy weights?

This is what I used to eat you guys!  Like, a lot.  I'm not going to pretend that I don't love those crispy, crunchy juicy bites of according to McDonald's now all white meat.  But facts are facts and a 10 piece box of golden arches nuggets alone are 440 calories.  That's just the nuggets!  And don't try to tell me you aren't going to get the meal because then you're just lying to me and more importantly to yourselves.  

Onto that beautiful powerhouse of a salad...

Do my eyes deceive me?  Am I hallucinating?  This beautiful side salad chock full of broccolini and kale, topped with nuts and dried cherries, weighs in at an extreme 140 calories.  That includes the light maple vinaigrette!  Let's do some math everyone.  140 + 140 = ? Can a fast food meal truly only amount to 280 calories?  Yes my friends, it most certainly can. Now, McDonald's has salads too.  Shall we take a look?

210 Calories for a fucking side salad.  This has to be a joke.  There is no protein in this salad.  If there were, maybe this would make one ounce of sense.  Do you know what's in this salad?  Lettuce blend and grape tomatoes.  That's it guys.  I'm going to be real with you for a second, this nutrition information does include dressing.  Without, the salad is only 15 calories.  But who the hell wants to eat dry lettuce and tomatoes besides a rabbit?  I sure as hell don't.  

Chick-fil-A vs. McDonald's

What have we learned today children?  To put it plainly, Chick-fil-A: GOOD, McDonald's: BAD.  But beyond that, there are healthy options out there when you're on the fly other than spending your lunch break walking the isles of the grocery store.  And for all you suckers that don't have Chick-fil-A as an option, although I am not personally a fan of Chipotle, there sure as shit is one on every corner in this country.  Last knowledge drop for you, snag yourself a burrito bowl with no rice, extra meat, fajita veggies, and a good ol' glob of gauc.  TADA! There you have it all, just because you eat Paleo, doesn't necessarily mean you have to give up all fast food.  

Disclaimer: Do try to prep your meals, this post is to guide you in case you fuck up, not to give you an excuse to chow on fast food. 

Nutrition sources:

Chick-fil-A Grilled Nuggets

Chick-fil-A Superfood Side Salad

McDonald's Chicken Nuggets

McDonald's Side Salad

Spaghetti Squash&Spicy Meat-a-Ballz

Comfort food.  Who the hell doesn't crave some down home love on a plate.  Not to stereotype, but food that one may find comforting doesn't typically coincide with food we also find healthy.  The solution?  Me.  It's me you guys.  Me...and this bomb AF recipe for Paleo spaghetti&meatballs. This recipe had more components than most so it's your lucky day visually imaginatively impaired.  Come follow me on a guided visual journey to comfort food flavor town. 

Spaghetti Squash&Spicy Meat-a-Ballz

PREP TIME: 25 Minutes | COOK TIME: 1 Hour 15 Minutes | SERVES: 6 Human Individuals

Squash&Sauce

• 2 tbsp. olive oil
• 1 3 lb. spaghetti squash, halved lengthwise&seeded (give it your all, these suckers are hard to crack)
• salt and crushed black pepper to please your taste buds
• 3/4 cup minced yellow onion
• 4 cloves garlic, finely minced
• 1 sm. carrot, chopped into rabbit food
• 1 stalk celery, chop, chop, chop
• 1 14.5 oz. can diced tomatoes
• 1 tbsp. tomato paste
• 1 8 oz. can tomato sauce
• 1/2 tsp. oregano kush

Ballz

• 1 lb. grass-fed, organic, sunbathed, pet 3 times per day beef 
• 1/2 cup almond flour
• 1 tbsp. wor-worcesh-worcestershire sauce
• 1 tsp. tomato paste
• 1/2 tsp. salt 
• pinch ground black pepper 
• pinch cayenne pepper, caliente! 
• 5 cloves garlic, mince that shit
• 1 large pre-bird, a.k.a egg 

Shall We Begin?

1. Place oven rack in the middle of that hot box and set your oven to 400 degrees F.

2. Massage 1/2 tbsp. olive oil gently, tenderly, onto each cut-side of the squash and shower those suckers with salt and pepper.  Place squash cut side up on a baking sheet and roast until fork tender, 45 minutes to 1 hour.  

3. Cool squash for at least 10 minutes so you don't burn your fingerprints off like an idiot.  Scrape lengthwise along the flesh with a small fork, pulling long strands like Ariel stroking her Crayola red mermaid hair.  

4. While the squash cooks in the hot box, make that zesty sauce.  Heat the remaining tbsp. of oil in a large non-stick sauce pan set over medium heat.  Add the ingredients that make you cry, (onions&garlic) and sauté until those tear jerkers are translucent, 3 to 4 minutes.  Add the carrots and celery and sauté another 5 minutes.   

5. Stir in all tomato products and oregano.  Add a dash of salt and a sprinkle of pepper. Cover the pot, reduce heat to medium-low and simmer for a whopping 25 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Ready to Multitask?

6. It's meatball time, finally!  Combine beef, flour, worcestershire, and all the other ball ingredients in a large bowl.  Put those digits to work and mix that shit until blended.  

7. Form that hunk of beef into balls the size of walnuts.  Place the meatballs in the sauce, return heat to medium, and let those balls bathe in sauce until firm to the touch and cooked through, about 15 minutes.  

8. Place all ingredients together and try to make it as beautiful as mine, go ahead, I dare you. 

Date&Bacon Crusted Salmon over Turnt Up Turnip Purée

It's Wednesday night and you get home and say to yourself, "Shit bro, I have no idea what to make for dinner."  Yes, I call myself bro, get over it.  Then you remember you have this beautiful salmon filet just begging to be served up hot and tasty.   So throw on your favorite beats, and try not to disturb the neighbors when you inevitably get turnt making this craveable salmon masterpiece.  

Date&Bacon Crusted Salmon over Turnt Up Turnip Purée

Slammin' Salmon First up to the Plate...

PREP TIME: 10 minutes | COOK TIME: 12 minutes | SERVES: 2 human individuals

• 2 4-oz salmon filets (do you say filet in your head like Gordon Ramsey too?)
• 4 Medjool Dates, make sure those suckers are pitted
• 3 slices beautifully uncured bacon
• 1 tbsp. vampire repellant, a.k.a garlic
• 1 tbsp. lemon juice 

Let Me Teach You Something:

1. Prep your oven to a scalding 400 degrees F.  Lay out a baking sheet with some shiny aluminum foil and spray that shit lightly with olive oil.  

2. Cook up some crispy pig, reserve the delicious pig juice, mince those suckers and set aside.

3. While cooking the pork, place the dates in a small bowl and cover with H2O.  Pop it in the microwave for 1 solid minute, then drain those juices.  

4. Mash the dates into a paste.  Stir in the bacon, reserved greasy juices, and garlic to create the salmon blanket.  

5. Pat the salmon dry, now bath that beauty in lemon juice.  Spread the date mixture onto each salmon filet covering as much salmon as possible.  

6. Bake for 12 minutes until the salmon flakes as easily as your friend Linda who always responds she's coming to the party, but never actually shows up.  Serve that beautifully crusted salmon over a bed of smooth AF turnip purée.

Onto the Turnt Ups: 

PREP TIME: 10 minutes | COOK TIME: 30 minutes | SERVES: 2 human individuals

• 2 cloves vampire repellant, a.k.a garlic, finely minced
• 3 tbsp. olive oil
• 5 turnips (personal preference for tokyo turnips)
• 1 tsp. arrowroot powder
• salt and crushed black pepper to fit what your buds are feelin' 

Teachable Moments: 

1. Quarter up those turnips and toss them into a pot and cover with H2O.  Cover the pot and bring those suckers to a roaring boil until fork tender, about 25 minutes.  

2. Remove turnips from the pot and transfer to food processor/blender. Add garlic, and blend until silky smooth.  While the mash is smoothifying, slowly pour in olive oil and Emeril Lagasse that mixture with salt and pepper, BAM! 

3. Serve purée hot and tasty.